Guest Review: Cyborg (yeah, THAT Cyborg)

Cyborg — Guest Review, mailed in by [email protected]

“CYBORG. As if the title of this rather peculiar sci-fi buzz bomb would give away the plot. It’s not all in all a BAD movie, just expect the usual Van Damme action scenes…Actually, the more I think of it, the more this movie was too surreal for my liking. I was 7 the first time I saw it (I’m a veteran of this genre, folks, and it’s truly sad) and I’ve never really recovered. Okay, let me cut to the chase. The movie opens with a chase…Some whacked out dude is running through the ruins of New York’s garment district wearing a greasemonkey’s jumpsuit and with a look on his face that would scare the living bejeesus out of that big dumb guy from the Goonies (No offense to anyone. That guy looked a hell of a lot like the big dumb guy from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome who couldn’t stand the sound of a penny whistle…Coincidence??? Who knows.). So the guy gets killed (I think) by some guys who have spent TOO much time in the garment district and like wearing fancy medieval armor and carrying around iguana-sized miniguns. Yadda’ yadda’. There’s a cyborg named Pearl who has got the cure to a plague. Maybe it’s the plague of silence, coz’ there are about twelve lines of dialogue in the film. Okay, I can’t remember much at all. I do remember some of Van Damme’s fights in big warehouses and wrecked buildings where he kicks some dude’s ass really hard. The dude had a spike in his boot that reminded me of a long, sharpened toe nail. Maybe radiation does that stuff to people…Odd.

Blah blah, insert dummy line of text here, yadda’ yadda’. Van Damme gets crucified by these weird punks. They’re really freaks, you know. And their leader is a ghost from Van Damme’s past. Yeah, V.D. has some freakish flashbacks. He remembers being let down a well with barbed wire all over his body, which must hurt, but never does in the post-apocalyptic world. So the bad dude was a bully from V.D.’s post-nuclear school yard days or something…Anyway, Van Damme has gotta’ save this cyborg by bringing her to that place called…(Gasp) ATLANTA!

Van Damme doesn’t hop off his crucifix like we all wished Sparticus could. I wish Van Damme stayed up there. The movie lulls for another half hour and I woke up just when V.D. kicked his mortal enemy, the bully with the funky sunglasses, into a meat hook in that place called…(Gasp)…ATLANTA!

So Pearl is delivered to some scientists…They like save the world or something. Okay, here’s the low down. Good scenery in this movie. It’s great when it comes to the ruins and such. The acting is piss poor and the violence is gratituous. I don’t remember any sex in the movie, but at the age of 7, when I saw this, I didn’t know what the hell sex was…It must have been some distant cousin to the number six or something. This movie is lame. I’m going to collapse now.”

Editor’s Note:  If I remember right, back in like 1997, this guy sent me three reviews in one day.  They were all sort of stream of consciousness like this one.

Guest Review: Cherry 2000

Guest Review, mailed in by TomServo96:

As for Cherry 2000 it is a cool movie. This guy from Anaheim works in a factory that recycles stuff. He refuses to go to bars where you show demo tapes of you and someone else getting it on. He goes home to his sex robot Cherry (model 2000). She shorts out after they go at it on the floor and the dishwasher blows up and gets her wet. He goes out into the badlands that are controlled by this self-affirming wacko named Lester. He always tells people “Be Yourself”. Anyway, he is looking for a replacement robot chick that is stored in Las Vegas. He hires Melanie Griffith to take him there. Along the way they fall for each other and he takes her over the robot. (Gee that was predictable huh?) The kind of future isn’t too clear, they mention “border wars” and planes and cars seem difficult to get. Anyway, its great to watch just to see Lester be really friendly and psychotic at the same time and to see Melanie Griffith in tight jeans.

Editor’s Note: This guy has potential, fer sure.

Cherry 2000 (1988)
Cherry 2000 (1988)


Man, I thought Knights was really gonna suck. But, since it had cyborgs on the cover and looked post-apocalyptic, I decided it was my duty to watch it. What a surprise it turned out to be.

It stars an aged Kris Kristopherson… no wait… come back. It’s good, I swear. Apparently the Earth has been decimated by some cyborg mishap (I think one of them left the stove on). Anyway, Kris is a cyborg and also a cyborg hunter. You can imagine the wacky situations he gets into. He also has a cute sidekick who tries to bring out his human side, and so on and so forth. It reminded me a lot of Beastmaster…. only, not that good really.

The fighting in this movie is pretty rad. Although, be forewarned that it is a leaper movie. You know, everyone flying through the air. Bad guys, getting punched back 50 ft. Etc. Still, I really enjoyed it. The end, however, really, really sucks. I think they ran out of money… because they just tell you what would have happened in the end if you had been able to see it. But all in all, it’s better than Ghost.

Knights - Starring: Kathy Long, Kris Kristofferson Director: Albert Pyun
Knights - Starring: Kathy Long, Kris Kristofferson Director: Albert Pyun

Note: This original review was written sometime during 1996-1997, when I was a drunken, twenty-something nincompoop.  I am no longer that person.  Or, that is to say, I am in my thirties now. 😉