by Nuclear War | Post Apocalyptic Movie Mania

Old Review: Night of the Zombies

You know, I never claimed to be the brightest guy in the world. In fact, I may just be right above Jim Varney. Anyway, I just saw this 4 days ago and I can’t remember if this is the name of the movie or not. I’ll go back and check, but I figured I’d point out my idiocy to you all.

Anyway, on to the movie. This is your basic, Italian zombie movie. Only, they didn’t have much money for special effects, and they didn’t have much money for film, and they really didn’t have much money for actors either. I say this for several reasons. 1) There is more gratuitous usage of stock footage than even an Ed Wood movie. I think they managed to get ahold of a national geographic special on tribes and junk. Because they aren’t picky, there are pygmies, aborigines, massai warriors… you name it. But they are all supposed to be one group. 2) The zombies are just people with black-face on. Unless they are black, in which case they have blue-face one. I swear I am not making this up. 3) In a scene with a device that is measuring something or other, the readings go “off the scale”. This is accomplished by the actor carrying the device. He merely turns the little knob by the needle and makes it go “off the scale”. This was actually pretty dang funny. The plot is simple, zombies, tribal anarchy, eco-terrorists, mother earth revolting, the military and the press. Doesn’t that all sound like it should fit together? Heh heh… blew my mind I tell you. There was nudity in this movie though… just a touch. For some reason, the heroine in the movie decides she needs to strip naked and paint her body, to better relate to the natives… They still tried to eat her. You may be wondering what this all has to do with the Apocalypse? Well, that’s fair enough I guess. You see, the earth is mad, so it makes a nuclear power facility (or some such junk) leak poisonous gas. This gas makes everyone turn into zombies and eat the living. Pretty soon, almost everyone is dead. OK.. it’s weak, but I’m still counting it.
Note: This original review was written sometime during 1996-1997, when I was a drunken, twenty-something nincompoop. I am no longer that person. Or, that is to say, I am in my thirties now.

P.S. No, I didn’t link the wrong movie. This movie is apparently also known as Virus, Zombie Creeping Flesh and Hell of the Living Dead.

Short Video: “Nuclear Coleslaw” (It’s got hookers!)

So, I got an e-mail over the weekend that I almost just deleted because it was so short that it looked like spam. I’ll show you what I mean:

Thought your readers might like this clip:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dw1Vh9Yzryo
Its part of a series we’re developing.
Enjoy.
Tim
P.S. Like your site.

Thank heaven’s that I didn’t delete it, and, instead went to watch the 6+ minute short. It’s pretty damn RAD!

As a guy who has watched way too many post-apocalyptic movies, I can say, without exaggeration, that this short film is better than at least 50% of the full-length PA movies I have ever seen. Of course, the real trick will be to keep this momentum going in the rest of the installments. But, I think these guys will be able to pull it off.

I went scrounging around their Youtube page trying to gleam any more information about this project and the only thing I found was this:

A post-apocalyptic dark comedy about a man trying to get some hookers. Part of a series entitled “Nuclear Coleslaw.”

Well, at least this makes them mysterious! Anyway, check out the video:

New Review: Pandorum

Pandorum was a nice surprise. I’m always in a good mood when I “accidentally” watch a post-apocalyptic movie. See, I just set out to watch what I thought was going to be a horror movie, or at least a “run from the monster” movie. So, I was delighted when I found out it was post-apocalyptic. Unlike the old me, I’m trying not to drop spoilers these days, so I’ll be slightly general in this review. But, I’m much more sober than I used to be, so I might be accidentally more helpful as well.

Anyway, Pandorum features Dennis Quaid and Ben Foster as two crewmates who awaken from cryogenic slumber into a real shitshow. The mission of their ship (The Elysium) is to act as a seedship to colonize an earth-like planet. The earth, itself, is pretty much already ruined when they launch the Elysium, so it’s the last hope for humanity. Anyway, they can’t remember anything, everything is pretty much broken and… they aren’t alone.

While I was watching this movie, I was trying to think what it reminded me. Sure, the comparison to Alien and Event Horizon are sort of obvious, but I was thinking more of sci-fi stories where an entire population is on some sort of world-ship or seed-ship and something goes wrong along the way. At first I was reminded of Phillip K. Dick’s Maze of Death. But, I knew there was something I’d read that was even more closely related. So, I waded through my bookshelves this morning and turned up Starship by Brian W. Aldiss.

Now, it’s been some years since I’ve read Starship, but I remember it being very similar to Pandorum. In Starship, entire sections of the ship have grown over into lush jungle and the humans aboard have de-evolved into superstitious primates. Anyway, there were a lot of similarities.

So, back to Pandorum. Did I like it? Sure. Why? Well, there aren’t that many post-apocalyptic movies that take place entirely aboard a spacecraft, so that was nice. Also, I went into it expecting very little. It’s like when I buy a pulp sci-fi book at the used book store based entirely on the cover. I’m not expecting Foundation or Left Hand of Darkness, I just want it to keep me interested. And Pandorum this and more. I would have liked slightly less martial arts (if I can get picky) but there were plenty of other interesting aspects of the movie that allowed me to overlook some of the combat scenes. (For example, one of the kill scenes is freaking brutal!)

Note: Anyway, as a result of watching, I’m not slightly obsessed about other sci-fi movies and books that share a similar concept. So, if any of you guys can think of other examples, please let me know. I’m remembering an Ursula K. Lequin short short where it takes generations for the ship to get to the planet, but, by the time it arrives, no one wants to be explorers anymore. They are all scared of the anything outside of the ship, but I can’t remember the name of that.

Guest Review: Judge Dredd by Boobookittyfrag

I AM DE LAW!!

Oh my god, they made a movie version of one of my favourite comics(if you’re Scottish – you read 2000AD). WHY GOD WHY? I was at a comic convention a few years ago, where the most popular event was the Judge Dredd screening, with commentary by Alan Grant(who has written it for years). We watched the opening montage of comics, and as soon as that had passed, Alan stopped the movie saying ‘that’s the best part in the movie’ – yeah, he was right 🙂 We watched on, with Stallone dominating the majority of the screen, a friend sitting next to me recounted the tale of Stallone winning best actor at the french equivalent of the Oscars – he got up on the podium and just said ‘uuuuh, merci’ – he knew it was a stinker, we knew it was a stinker, and the french were obviously taking the mickey : ) I knew all was lost when Stallone took his helmet off( a helmet which Judge Dredd creator Carlos Esquerra couldn’t put on because it was too small!!!!) – old stoneface never took his helmet off in the comics, but the studio obviously needed their Stallone dollar – why i oughtta!! The only good things in the movie were Mean Machine – who was true to form, the cameo by ian dury(that’s a lawgiver!! take your bleedin arm off!), and the lil in-jokes for 2000ad readers – like the chopper smiley on the statue of liberty(blink and you’ll miss it!) Other than that, it’s a stinky little Stallone vehicle that should be avoided at all cost!!

Editor’s Note: You’ll notice I’m not linking to this movie at all. Yup, that’s on purpose. I will however show off some rad comics and graphic novels!

Teenage Caveman: Guest Review by Steve Paul, of Sketch Zine

Ok. So it’s a little weird for me to add this one, but I feel like I need to. This is a guest review from the old site. I think it was submitted around 1997 or so. The reviewer is Steve Paul who was a xerox zine publisher, wicked skateboarder, rabid Nirvana fan and all around great friend. Some years later he was killed in a freak accident and just reading this review brought all of that back. But, I guess it’s best to remember his hilarious and sarcastic nature and this review sure does celebrate that. 😉

So what can I really say about the movie, “Teenage Caveman” that we haven’t really thought a million times while watching a movie with a clever idea that somewhere in the making stages went completely wrong?

The entire thing’s about this young buck in a caveman-style mini-skirt that is going through adolescence in a Neanderthal society, but the entire story takes place after the nuclear holocaust. The general theme is that after the world blew up, the few people in society fell back into a zero technology culture and we all had to start over from scratch again. Kinda a bummer of a future if you think about it, but then you throw in the rebel against the system, “We don’t need no thought control, man!” theme, and what you end up with is one gigantic mess.

Teenage Caveman mainly consists of four or five dialogs that are repeated so often throughout the course of the movie that you want to poke No. 2 pencils in your ears to stop the insanity. (Editor’s note: “The word is the law. The law is the word. The good is the blah. Blah dee dee blah.”) Plus there are lots of neat monsters with really pathetic costumes, and eventually you begin to ask yourself, “Does prolonged exposure to nuclear radiation really lead to a mutated society full of Cro-Magnon beatniks, 60 year old Jimmy Stewarts, and rubber Godzilla wannabes?” Something to think about before you go vote this fall. Stick it to the man and tell him, “We don’t want your rules and we certainly don’t want your goddamn war!”

Viking Women and the Sea Serpent/Teenage Caveman (1958)

Delicatessen

Boy, I bet if you had to guess, you wouldn’t even think I knew where the furrin section was in the video store. Well, I guess we are both wrong. Delicatessen has become my new favorite post-apocalyptic movie of all time. It adds so much to the “genre”. (See, I’m even usin fancy words and junk.) Here is just a taste.

First of all, it’s interesting that there seems to be some vestiges of civilization left. I think that’s pretty realistic. Then, the goofy stuff they add completely makes it. The troglodytists or whichever. They reminded me of the cursed earth mutates in Judge Dredd comics… wait… I’m getting this mixed up. I think there are real troglodyte characters in Judge Dredd too… Anyway, the images in this movie make it supreme.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t know anything about camera angles, lighting or whatever. All’s I know is that these guys knew what they were doing. Everything had this hyper-real color to it. When they’d show the butcher’s face and evil grin… it looked perfect.

This movie had many images and ideas in it that (As far as I know) have never been done before. I mean, filling a bathroom with water to escape an angry mob? A big group of civilized happy cannibals? A man who lives half submerged in water with an army of frogs and snails? I’d like to meet someone who didn’t care for this movie. Just so’s I could punch them in the face.

Note: This original review was written sometime during 1996-1997, when I was a drunken, twenty-something nincompoop. I am no longer that person. Or, that is to say, I am in my thirties now.

Future Kill

From the cover of Future Kill I didn’t know what to expect. Actually, the cover of the copy I got was made of lined paper. But the regular cover looks like a Giger painting. Anyway, I figured it would be aliens and junk. Instead, it was like a cross between Revenge of the Nerds and Road Warrior or something. I thought it was pretty bitchin. Here is my guess on the origins of the film.

It’s the 80’s, DEVO is huge. A couple of geeky kids from Athens want to make a movie. Not only that, but they want to get back at all the fraternity kids who’ve pushed them around. Why not put a bunch of new wavers in the film and have them kick the crap out of a bunch of jocks and preps? Sounds brilliant to me. This movie also had a little gratuitous nudity, which always helps. This movie also had new wave bands up the ass. I mean really good ones. I swear, one of the chicks was the chick from X.

Anyway, rent this movie. Splatter (the villain) is rad, and i think it’s pretty subtle in its ridicule of the Greek system. Of course, Smokey and the Bandit was too cerebral for me.

You know, this movie may or may not be post-apocalyptic… but it is in the future and people dress like new wavers and road warriors. Let’s say I just relax my standards and make it count…

Future-Kill (1985) Starring: Edwin Neal, Marilyn Burns Director: Ronald W. Moore

Note: This original review was written sometime during 1996-1997, when I was a drunken, twenty-something nincompoop. I am no longer that person. Or, that is to say, I am in my thirties now. 😉

Exterminators of the Year 3000

I’m sure this isn’t going to surprise you, but I loved Exterminators of the Year 3000. Basically, it is Road Warrior in Italian, for about 1/3 the budget. But noone is saying that isn’t a good thing. I’m so dumb that I could watch Road Warrior ripoffs till I die, and still think I was gettin the goods.

What made this movie different from Road Warrior was some of the following. 1) Water, not gasoline, is the precious fluid in this movie. 2) The car chase scenes are as good, or better, than the ones in Road Warrior… they really worked on these. 3) There are some good subplots, an evil temple of mutated water hoarders being one of the best.

What sucks is that it is dubbed… although this kind of adds a little atmosphere here and there. You can almost think you are watching a Godzilla movie. Also, the blood is cheesy as all get out. Now that I think about it, I think they were taking a stab at Mad Max with this movie too. In the beginning, two rogue cops in a bitchin cop car go out to stop the freaks and bandits. They are killed in about 3 minutes.

Now that we are on the subject, this movie steals from everyone. I’m starting to think that I don’t really pay attention when I watch movies. My brain goes into T.V. mode. I can’t even hear you if you are talking to me, unless you say “Beer” or “Tacos”.

Exterminators in the Year 3000 (1985) Starring: Robert Iannucci, Alicia Moro Director: Giuliano Carnimeo

Note: This original review was written sometime during 1996-1997, when I was a drunken, twenty-something nincompoop. I am no longer that person. Or, that is to say, I am in my thirties now. 😉