Guest Reviews | Post Apocalyptic Movie Mania

Guest Review: Cyborg (yeah, THAT Cyborg)

Cyborg — Guest Review, mailed in by [email protected]

“CYBORG. As if the title of this rather peculiar sci-fi buzz bomb would give away the plot. It’s not all in all a BAD movie, just expect the usual Van Damme action scenes…Actually, the more I think of it, the more this movie was too surreal for my liking. I was 7 the first time I saw it (I’m a veteran of this genre, folks, and it’s truly sad) and I’ve never really recovered. Okay, let me cut to the chase. The movie opens with a chase…Some whacked out dude is running through the ruins of New York’s garment district wearing a greasemonkey’s jumpsuit and with a look on his face that would scare the living bejeesus out of that big dumb guy from the Goonies (No offense to anyone. That guy looked a hell of a lot like the big dumb guy from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome who couldn’t stand the sound of a penny whistle…Coincidence??? Who knows.). So the guy gets killed (I think) by some guys who have spent TOO much time in the garment district and like wearing fancy medieval armor and carrying around iguana-sized miniguns. Yadda’ yadda’. There’s a cyborg named Pearl who has got the cure to a plague. Maybe it’s the plague of silence, coz’ there are about twelve lines of dialogue in the film. Okay, I can’t remember much at all. I do remember some of Van Damme’s fights in big warehouses and wrecked buildings where he kicks some dude’s ass really hard. The dude had a spike in his boot that reminded me of a long, sharpened toe nail. Maybe radiation does that stuff to people…Odd.

Blah blah, insert dummy line of text here, yadda’ yadda’. Van Damme gets crucified by these weird punks. They’re really freaks, you know. And their leader is a ghost from Van Damme’s past. Yeah, V.D. has some freakish flashbacks. He remembers being let down a well with barbed wire all over his body, which must hurt, but never does in the post-apocalyptic world. So the bad dude was a bully from V.D.’s post-nuclear school yard days or something…Anyway, Van Damme has gotta’ save this cyborg by bringing her to that place called…(Gasp) ATLANTA!

Van Damme doesn’t hop off his crucifix like we all wished Sparticus could. I wish Van Damme stayed up there. The movie lulls for another half hour and I woke up just when V.D. kicked his mortal enemy, the bully with the funky sunglasses, into a meat hook in that place called…(Gasp)…ATLANTA!

So Pearl is delivered to some scientists…They like save the world or something. Okay, here’s the low down. Good scenery in this movie. It’s great when it comes to the ruins and such. The acting is piss poor and the violence is gratituous. I don’t remember any sex in the movie, but at the age of 7, when I saw this, I didn’t know what the hell sex was…It must have been some distant cousin to the number six or something. This movie is lame. I’m going to collapse now.”

Editor’s Note: If I remember right, back in like 1997, this guy sent me three reviews in one day. They were all sort of stream of consciousness like this one.

Guest Review: La Jetée (1962) by Kenny Couch

ATTENTION: Spoilers possible

Well, I didn’t find a review of La Jetée on your sight but you should watch
it some time. It was the inspiration for 12 Monkeys and is a realy great
little film. I think you’d dig it.

Wow, I don’t know how I’ve gone so long without seeing this movie. It’s
freakin’ amazing! La Jetée feel like a 28 minute long nightmare. The story
is told from a narrator over series of still photos, giving the feeling of
leafing through an old photo diary with the photographer telling you the
story as you go along.

La Jetée a group surviving beneath Paris after World War III has turned
Paris into a “desert”. “The Experimenter” has been working on theories of
time travel, as space travel is basically not going to happen. Many
prisoners are broken by his experiments because mentally they cannot handle
the intense procedure. While monitoring the prisoners dreams they find a
man with an obsessive memory from his childhood at the Orly Airport of a
woman’s face and a man being shot. Using this memory as an anchor point
“The Experimenter” begins a series of successful trials in time travel. The
man repeatedly goes to the past meeting the woman at different points in her
life. Soon though it is realized that the past will not help mend the
present, a trip to the future offers the only hope. Luckily, the man is
successful and gains a new energy supply for his people. His usefullness
gone he realizes that he will be executed by his jailers. The man is then
visited by those he met in the future and offered safe haven with them. He
accepts but asks to be returned to the past to find the woman. His request is
fulfilled and he finally finds the woman at the Orly Airport only to be
executed by agents from his own time. As he lay dying he realizes that he
is the dying man in his memory.

Both films share many plot elements and ideas but I think La Jetée gets
credit for being the more creative of the two. I’m not giving shit to
Gilliam borrowing from this film but the presentation of La Jetée makes the
whole experience truly rewarding. The visual presentation and the sound
design put the movie in your head instead of in front of your eyes.

Plus it never hurts when your post-apocalyptic movies happen to be very
artistic and French. It helps in getting your girlfriend to actually sit
down and watch it with you.

Editor’s Note: This review was submitted by Kenny Couch. Everyone else, feel free to send me some reviews!

ATTENTION: Spoilers possible

Well, I didn’t find a review of La Jetée on your sight but you should watch
it some time. It was the inspiration for 12 Monkeys and is a realy great
little film. I think you’d dig it.

Plus it never hurts when your post-apocalyptic movies happen to be very
artistic and French. It helps in getting your girlfriend to actually sit
down and watch it with you.

Editor’s Note: This review was submitted by Kenny Couch. Everyone else, feel free to send me some reviews!

Guest Review: Red Dawn by Steve Paul

Here is another classic Steve Paul gem from the old site that I finally got around to migrating over. Sadly, Steve Paul isn’t with us anymore, but it makes me feel better to read his goofy reviews. Anyway, enough of my mushiness. Here’s the review:

Remember when PG-13 movies first came out? I do. I was 12. I remember not knowing how the world really operated but still really wanting to see the first PG-13 movie ever, a little diddy named “Red Dawn.” I was scared that they would reject me at the door for not being old enough, though. That was the first time I learned the benefits of showing a little flesh…um…nevermind. So the movie involves the Russians (remember them?) invading the good ol’ U.S. of A. during home room period at a local high school. With one liberating shot, the fucking teacher has no head – a visual that sends the entire school running for their lives. So now I’m sure you are wondering, “Where the hell is there to run to when the Red Army is all around you in full force and you are no longer able to get the high school education you so desperately need?” I’m glad you brought up that point, because, at the time I first saw the movie, I had no clue either, but thanks to the genetically superior boys on the football team (including Patrick Swayze — remember HIM?!!) I now know that, when threatened by the conquest of foreign invaders, you should always load up on guns and go camping. “Red Dawn” is mainly a coming-of-age story wrapped up in a good old fashion buddy picture, except it’s got lots of camouflage, AK-47’s and rocket launchers. A lot of things have changes since I was 12. I no longer fear conquest by the commies – like Patrick Swayze’s career, they too have faded into the darkness. Every once in awhile, though, I still like to go into the forest, climb on top of the biggest hill I can find and scream at the top of my voice, WOLVERIIIIIIIIIIIINES!!!” I also like to watch “Dirty Dancing.”

Guest Review: Judge Dredd by Boobookittyfrag

I AM DE LAW!!

Oh my god, they made a movie version of one of my favourite comics(if you’re Scottish – you read 2000AD). WHY GOD WHY? I was at a comic convention a few years ago, where the most popular event was the Judge Dredd screening, with commentary by Alan Grant(who has written it for years). We watched the opening montage of comics, and as soon as that had passed, Alan stopped the movie saying ‘that’s the best part in the movie’ – yeah, he was right 🙂 We watched on, with Stallone dominating the majority of the screen, a friend sitting next to me recounted the tale of Stallone winning best actor at the french equivalent of the Oscars – he got up on the podium and just said ‘uuuuh, merci’ – he knew it was a stinker, we knew it was a stinker, and the french were obviously taking the mickey : ) I knew all was lost when Stallone took his helmet off( a helmet which Judge Dredd creator Carlos Esquerra couldn’t put on because it was too small!!!!) – old stoneface never took his helmet off in the comics, but the studio obviously needed their Stallone dollar – why i oughtta!! The only good things in the movie were Mean Machine – who was true to form, the cameo by ian dury(that’s a lawgiver!! take your bleedin arm off!), and the lil in-jokes for 2000ad readers – like the chopper smiley on the statue of liberty(blink and you’ll miss it!) Other than that, it’s a stinky little Stallone vehicle that should be avoided at all cost!!

Editor’s Note: You’ll notice I’m not linking to this movie at all. Yup, that’s on purpose. I will however show off some rad comics and graphic novels!

Teenage Caveman: Guest Review by Steve Paul, of Sketch Zine

Ok. So it’s a little weird for me to add this one, but I feel like I need to. This is a guest review from the old site. I think it was submitted around 1997 or so. The reviewer is Steve Paul who was a xerox zine publisher, wicked skateboarder, rabid Nirvana fan and all around great friend. Some years later he was killed in a freak accident and just reading this review brought all of that back. But, I guess it’s best to remember his hilarious and sarcastic nature and this review sure does celebrate that. 😉

So what can I really say about the movie, “Teenage Caveman” that we haven’t really thought a million times while watching a movie with a clever idea that somewhere in the making stages went completely wrong?

The entire thing’s about this young buck in a caveman-style mini-skirt that is going through adolescence in a Neanderthal society, but the entire story takes place after the nuclear holocaust. The general theme is that after the world blew up, the few people in society fell back into a zero technology culture and we all had to start over from scratch again. Kinda a bummer of a future if you think about it, but then you throw in the rebel against the system, “We don’t need no thought control, man!” theme, and what you end up with is one gigantic mess.

Teenage Caveman mainly consists of four or five dialogs that are repeated so often throughout the course of the movie that you want to poke No. 2 pencils in your ears to stop the insanity. (Editor’s note: “The word is the law. The law is the word. The good is the blah. Blah dee dee blah.”) Plus there are lots of neat monsters with really pathetic costumes, and eventually you begin to ask yourself, “Does prolonged exposure to nuclear radiation really lead to a mutated society full of Cro-Magnon beatniks, 60 year old Jimmy Stewarts, and rubber Godzilla wannabes?” Something to think about before you go vote this fall. Stick it to the man and tell him, “We don’t want your rules and we certainly don’t want your goddamn war!”

Viking Women and the Sea Serpent/Teenage Caveman (1958)

Guest Review: Cherry 2000

Guest Review, mailed in by TomServo96:

As for Cherry 2000 it is a cool movie. This guy from Anaheim works in a factory that recycles stuff. He refuses to go to bars where you show demo tapes of you and someone else getting it on. He goes home to his sex robot Cherry (model 2000). She shorts out after they go at it on the floor and the dishwasher blows up and gets her wet. He goes out into the badlands that are controlled by this self-affirming wacko named Lester. He always tells people “Be Yourself”. Anyway, he is looking for a replacement robot chick that is stored in Las Vegas. He hires Melanie Griffith to take him there. Along the way they fall for each other and he takes her over the robot. (Gee that was predictable huh?) The kind of future isn’t too clear, they mention “border wars” and planes and cars seem difficult to get. Anyway, its great to watch just to see Lester be really friendly and psychotic at the same time and to see Melanie Griffith in tight jeans.

Editor’s Note: This guy has potential, fer sure.

Samantha and Regina Belmont, two high school girls with Uzis. Its the end
of the world and all they want to do is go shopping and have a little fun.
However, there’s trouble on the way in the form of mutants, and crazy
scientists. Ah, Night of the Comet. I get cravings to watch this movie. This
movie is truly something I get nostalgic over.The thing that it has going
for it the most is this sense of “Hey the world is over, i can do whatever
the fuck I want and nobody is there to stop me!”. I watched this back when I
was a kid and the thing I remembered the most was Kelli Maroni. This girl
was an 80s B movie queen. She was on this movie, and another 80s popcorn up
all night great Chopping Mall! Now, some may not like it, but this was my
first post apocalyptic movie. I didn’t watch greats like the Mad Max series
till recently(damn I was missing out). Small part great Michael Bowen makes
an appearance, but this dude is Buck as in “Im Buck and I’m here to fuck”
the bride from Kill Bill. Then there is Catherine Mary Stewart, I can’t
think of anything else she’s been on but she sure does look an awful lot
like Linda Hamilton. Then there is Robert Beltran….Chakotay!!!! Oh and
that little asian girl played Gi on Captain Planet.

The intro is like one of those old 50s sci-fi movies, it has a narrator and
some sort of flawed explanation on what is about to happen. This sort of
thing was fading away in the 80s. it was cheesy, but was enough to set up
some events. The intro is a showcase of 80s culture, Regina Belmont is
playing an arcade game trying to have an uncontested score board when she
notices DMK has taken a spot. This sort of has a Back to the Future vibe. On
the other side of things her sister Sam is dealing with her cheating bitch
mother in law while their dad fights in some contra down in Honduras. Most
everybody goes out like lemmings, stare at the commet and get obliterated
like deers in headlights. The only thing left of cheating Doris is red dust!
The poor dog gets it too, and Reggie’s boyfriend quickly gets chomped down by
a mutant zombie. There are some great visuals of the empty city, with its
red dust. Pretty good stuff.

The mall scene was great, looting to great music, and then a mutant attack.
I thought the scientists were great, is it me but is the Dharma initiative
from LOST based on these guys. They wear like the same outfits and the logo
is nearly the same. They are fucking creepy, cold and calculated. That dream
Samantha had in the radio station scared the shit out of me as a kid. You
ever notice in good zombie flicks there is always a kid zombie that pops out
and gets killed. Dawn of the Dead 78′ had it, Night of the Comet had it, and
so did 28 Days Later. The movie wraps up nicely when we find out who DMK is.
“Great Car!” “Thanks! I have 23 of them”…”The burden of Civilization is on
us, okay?” “Oh, yeah. Bitching, isn’t it?” I’m pretty surprised this movie
got slammed by other reviewers. I would pretty much put it in the same
category in quality as Def Con 4, another great B post apocalyptic movie.
It’s the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.

Night of the Comet (1984) Starring: Robert Beltran, Catherine Mary Stewart Director: Thom Eberhardt

Note: The “other reviewers” in this guest review refers to yours truly. In my defense, I must have been drunker than usual when I originally reviewed Night of the Comet. I’ll re-post my original review soon and then I promise to re-watch this gem and review it properly…. slightly sober.

Category: Guest Reviews