Apocalypse Schwag | Post Apocalyptic Movie Mania

Zombie Tools! Get yer Zombie Tools!

Sometimes something just has to slap you right in the face before you really think about it.

Case in point: I live in Missoula, Montana. Guess who else lives in Missoula, MT? That’s right, the Zombie Tools guys. Was I just not aware of them before? Nope. I think I was first made aware of them like 3-4 years ago? What did it take for me to realize that I needed to make a post about them? Umm… my wife was a Doula at a birth for one of the Zombie Tools guys and his wife. I know that sounds like a crazy connection, but there it is. That’s what it took for me to realize that I needed to tell everyone about Zombie Tools. So, if you also have some sort of post-apocalyptic business and you want me to tell people, apparently you just need to have my wife attend the birth of your child. Heh.

Anyway, on to Zombie Tools! Who are they, you might ask? To quote them from their FAQ page.

We are swordsmen and metalsmiths who create blades, and soon, other gear, that will increase your odds of surviving a zombie apocalypse.

Rad, right? And, you can bet your ass they are freaking serious. Check out some of these Zombie-killing swords and knives.

ZombieTools.net Rough and Ready Bone Machete

Yeah, these aren’t Fisher Price toys. These swords, knives and deadly implements will totally kill a bitch. And, by bitch, they mean Zombie. So, if you need something silent, that doesn’t require ammo, to keep you alive during the pending Zombiepocalypse, then you should probably check out ZombieTools.net.

Don’t worry, even if you don’t need sharpened zombie-killing blades right now, you probably need some rad T-shirts, right? How bout this one?

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While you are over there, make sure and check out their image gallery. It’s practically a real life comic book. And, if you do buy something, make sure and tell them that the Drunken Goon from Post Apocalyptic Movie Mania sent ya.

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Zombie Blood Energy Potion

Well, it was only a matter of time, right? I mean, let’s face it, RAGE Zombies do seem like they are pretty fit. You know, bustling with energy and vip and vim and vigor. Meanwhile, you are slouched down in your office chair, staring at a screen with barely the energy to stand up and walk over to the vending machine for some swiss cake rolls.

Hmm.. if only there were some way to get all the unbridled energy of the RAGE zombie without all the purification and maggots and whatnot. Hay, don’t worry friend, we’ve got the solution for you. Zombie Blood Energy Potion!

Nope, this isn’t a gag. It’s a freaking nuclear green drink that comes in it’s own IV Bag. So, I guess it’s like a Capri Sun of Evil, chock full of caffeine and vitamins. Here, take a peak:

I know what you’re thinking, though. What if I get addicted? How can I stockpile enough of this stuff for the looming apocalypse? No problem. You can actually buy a freaking box of 12 with the display case and everything. Perfect for those zombie-themed all-night rave parties. Or, study groups, if you are a nerd.

Now, if only they made an alcoholic version of this stuff. I need something to fill the void that Sparks has left in my life. Sounds like it’s time to brew up some boozed-up bathtub version and get rich!

Stoner Apocalypse (in poster form)

So, I mentioned this crazy-ass Apocalypse poster on Twitter a week or so ago and I wanted to bring it up again. Here’s a picture, in case you forgot:

Tom Masse (Apocalypse) Black Wood-Mounted Art Poster Print - 22" X 32"

I just can’t stop looking at this thing and fantasizing about it’s origins and the person who created it. Now I have some theories. Tom Masse (the original artist of this beauty) was either

a) a raving lunatic
b) an occult wizard
c) a super-stoned 17-year-old dude who loves Dungeons and Dragons

My money is on c). I wish the picture was bigger on Amazon so I could see all the details. I guess that means I should be buying the poster. But, from what I can see, it appears that Tiamat and the Four Horseman are hanging out on top of piles of corpses. They are probably talking about The Office or 30 Rock. I mean, this is probably their equivalent of the water cooler, right? Also, it looks like maybe there is a 5th horseman who is flying a chopper? Or, perhaps that is Chopper Dave, from Sealab? In any case. I love it!

Oryx and Crake (maybe I should start reading?)

So, when I originally created this site back in ’96, the running gag was that I was this barely-literate drunken goon. Well, two out of three ain’t bad, right? Turns out, I can read. Although, truth be told, several years ago I decided to only read books that had won the Hugo or Nebula. But, of course, each of these books would send me on a side journey to read all the works of each of these authors. In some cases that took me something like a year just to read the author’s collected works (Thanks a bunch Ursula K. Le Guin). Well, it sure seems like I should be reading some post-apocalyptic books, right? I mean, I know the site isn’t called postapocalypticbookmania.com but we can still randomly talk about books, right?

Anyway, I think the first book I’m going to read on my quest for apocalypse-related books is probably going to be Oryx and Crake by Margaret Atwood. I don’t know a ton about her or her books, but it seems like every time I’m googling for apocalypse-related material, she pops up. So, there has to be something there, right?

From the synopsis and reviews, the apocalypse sounds like it was by plague (which I think is the most likely kind we’ll get these days). The book follows the life of Jimmy (aka Snowman) before and after the apocalypse and it sounds like there are some pretty creepy moments. Something about green-eyed “Children of Crake” and whatnot. Anyway, can anyone recommend this book? Because I’m just about done with “Blue Mars” and I need something new.

The Apocalypse is Making Guitars Now?

Um.. why was I not informed that there was such a thing as an apocalypse guitar? As you may or may not be aware. I am in a heavy new wave (sci-fi themed) band. We have songs about Dune and Orson Scott Card novels and whatnot. Anyway, I never even considered that I could combine my love of new wave and rawk music and my love of post-apocalyptic cinema. What a “you got chocolate in my peanut butter” moment! Oh wait.. you probably don’t know what I’m talking about yet, right? I found this thing on ebay: SCHECTER V-1 APOCALYPSE GUITAR.

Here’s a picture:

Now, I’m not claiming to know much about this guitar. Hell, it could sound like crap. (Although something is telling me that it’s pretty rad-sounding) But, just look at it! It looks like old weathered brass or something? I could totally see Mad Max playing this guitar. Actually, it would probably be Snake or somebody else from Escape from New York, but you get the idea.

I love reading the auction notes because they are pretty much without capitalization and punctuation so you get the feeling your reading some crackpot’s manifesto or something:

THIS IS A BRAND NEW SCHECTER V-1 APOCALYPSE GUITAR IT HAS FULL FACTORY WARRANTY !!!! I AM A FACTORY AUTHORIZED SCHECTER DEALER THIS IS A BRAND NEW FULL WARRANTY PRODUCT NEW LIST IS $799 — THIS IS A SCHECTER DIAMOND SERIES V-1 APOCALYPSE GUITAR WITH AND DUNCAN DESIGNED HB-102 PICKUPS- IT HAS A HIGH GLOSS MAHAGONY FINISH WITH APOCALYPSE GRPHICS ON THE TOP , DISTRESSED COPPER FINISH HARDWARE, DISTRESSED COPPER SEALED TUNERS, A CARVED TOP , BOLT ON NECK THE NECK IS A MAPLE NECK , THE BODY IS MAHAGONY , 24 JUMBO FRET ROSEWOOD FINGERBOARD WITH PEARL GEAR AND SKULL INLAYS ON THE NECK

See what I mean? Awesome!

Zombocalypse Now (Paperback)

So, let me see if I have this right. It’s a choose-your-own-adventure book about the zombie apocalypse and you are (in your role as the protagonist) a pink stuffed bunny rabbit? That’s correct? Awesome!

From the description over at Amazon:

You’re a stuffed bunny, and it’s the end of the world. Between you and your objective are forty or fifty zombies gorging themselves on the flesh of the living. If you disguise yourself as one of them and try to sneak past the feeding frenzy, turn to page 183.If you grab a tire iron, flip out and get medieval on their undead asses, turn to page 11. Zombocalypse Now is a comedy/horror reimagining of the choose-your-own-ending books you grew up with. You’ll be confronted with undead hordes, internet dating, improper police procedure, and the very real danger that you’ll lose your grip on reality and wind up stark raving mad. The zombie apocalypse has never been this much fun.

Umm… RAD!