Here is another classic Steve Paul gem from the old site that I finally got around to migrating over. Sadly, Steve Paul isn’t with us anymore, but it makes me feel better to read his goofy reviews. Anyway, enough of my mushiness. Here’s the review:
Remember when PG-13 movies first came out? I do. I was 12. I remember not knowing how the world really operated but still really wanting to see the first PG-13 movie ever, a little diddy named “Red Dawn.” I was scared that they would reject me at the door for not being old enough, though. That was the first time I learned the benefits of showing a little flesh…um…nevermind. So the movie involves the Russians (remember them?) invading the good ol’ U.S. of A. during home room period at a local high school. With one liberating shot, the fucking teacher has no head – a visual that sends the entire school running for their lives. So now I’m sure you are wondering, “Where the hell is there to run to when the Red Army is all around you in full force and you are no longer able to get the high school education you so desperately need?” I’m glad you brought up that point, because, at the time I first saw the movie, I had no clue either, but thanks to the genetically superior boys on the football team (including Patrick Swayze — remember HIM?!!) I now know that, when threatened by the conquest of foreign invaders, you should always load up on guns and go camping. “Red Dawn” is mainly a coming-of-age story wrapped up in a good old fashion buddy picture, except it’s got lots of camouflage, AK-47’s and rocket launchers. A lot of things have changes since I was 12. I no longer fear conquest by the commies – like Patrick Swayze’s career, they too have faded into the darkness. Every once in awhile, though, I still like to go into the forest, climb on top of the biggest hill I can find and scream at the top of my voice, WOLVERIIIIIIIIIIIINES!!!” I also like to watch “Dirty Dancing.”