Yup. It’s coming. No, not the end. (Well.. maybe it is). What is coming? The second Golden Age of post-apocalyptic movies! How do I know? Umm.. derr. I’m pretty sure when sports writers reference post-apocalyptic cinema to describe poor attendance at a Pirates game that we are pretty much here already.
It got me thinking, though. Post-apocalyptic sports league? Hmm… pretty rad idea actually. It’s made more poignant by the fact that I’m actually on a drinking team called “The Zombies”. What’s a drinking team, you might ask? Ah, that’s a group of people who like to get discounted drinks (often given to local sports teams). So, what does that group do? Why, make their own team uniforms, of course. I’m number 82 on our imaginary baseball team. Yes, we enjoy beer that much.
The only thing weirder than the fact that I never got into the Fallout video-game series is the fact that my father plays it fanatically. After watching this trailer, I’m starting to feel like I’ve made some sort of terrible mistake. Like, I need to hit some sort of GoBack button and start playing Fallout 1, 10 years ago. Seriously, can anyone chime in here, are these games rad or what? I have to say that I’m not a huge first person shooter dude. I’m still waiting for them to remake that old Wasteland game for C-64. Although, I guess that’s what Fallout probably is, eh?
Alex Billington over at MovieDriver – posterous saw more than a few similarities between Zombieland and The Road. Heh. Something tells me that we are going to be seeing more and more of these sorts of reviews on apocalypse movies these days. That is to say, we are in a new Golden Age people! Oh, hell yah. I’d be happy if every other movie was a post-apocalyptic movie. (Assuming, of course, that the other remaining movies continue to be porn…. Hi-yoooo!)
I stumbled onto this image today while browsing for more Apocalypse news.
Haunting Images From Australia’s Dust Storm
Wow. It’s right out of Omega Man or Thunderdome or something. I love it! Way to go Australia. Way to show the rest of the world how to look classy when the end of the world is upon us.
From Make Magazine’s blog, we have this little bit of awesomeness. Ok. I just want to make sure I have all the pieces put together right. It’s a haunted house and they made a pneumatic, post-apocalyptic werewolf? Sometimes I wish I wasn’t already married. Seriously, though, watch the video and then imagine seeing that in a darkened room.
I’m still boggling on the concept. Can anyone name me one post-apocalyptic movie featuring werewolves? Possibly one of the Underworld movies, but do those really count? Where the deuce did this idea come from? And.. can we get more?!
NOTE: Yeah. I know. A note before the review, that’s weird, right? Well, I just want to reiterate that this is my original review of Night of the Comet from 1997-ish. Clearly I was drunk when I wrote it. Clearly I was wrong because I’ve been getting shit for this for nearly 13 years. So, my plan is to post this and then re-watch this movie and give it a chance this time. Yeah, that’s right. I’m not such an asshole that I can’t admit when I might have made a mistake. Ok. Enough hedging, here’s the original review:
Ladies and Gentlemen. Announcing a cage-grudge-death match. In this corner, we have Dawn of the Dead. In opposite corner, Day of the Triffids. And in our third corner, Valley Girl. This is what Night of the Comet is. If you are wondering who wins in such an unusual match, the answer is no one. I watched this movie in the same weekend as Warriors of the Apocalypse and it took me three attempts to get all of the way through it. Whereas I just breezed right on through “Warriors“. I think that much speaks volumes. Now, don’t get me wrong. A lot of the movies I’ve reviewed for these pages have looked and been much, much worse. I think this one bothered me because it was almost like a real movie. I mean, the only thing you can really bitch about is the plot. There aren’t minor filming, acting, effects flaws to distract you. Therefore you can focus your full hatred on the plot. Does that make sense? Anyway, this is your basic Up-All-Night movie, only without the nudity and quirkiness that makes them so charming. Comets fly over the planet and instead of turning everyone blind (a la Day of the Triffids) they turn everyone into dust. Somehow, though, some people are turned into zombies instead. I have to admit that I liked this, even though there was absolutely no explanation given for it. I mean, there is no movie that is so bad that zombies won’t make it worse… umm.. yeah. O.K. To top it all off, there are some wacky plot twists in this movie that they actually did pretty good. I won’t ruin it for you. Course, if you have a half a brain you’ll prolly figure it out way before I did. Well.. actually I never figured it out until they revealed it. See, I am dumb. Anyway, I forgot to talk about the “Valley Girls” in this movie. Maybe that is because they are about as Valley-ish as a drunken monkey. Huh? Anyway, you can prolly afford to skip this one. That is, unless you want to hear cool 80’s-ish music and a wicked cover of “Girls just wanna have fun” that sounds just like Cyndi Lauper, only different.
Okey doke. I’ve gotten a lot of crap about my review of this movie. My advice, avoid criticizing 80’s nostalgia movies. Anyway, here’s a guest editor comment from Gene Splicer:
Guest Editor’s Note: You reviewed Night of the Comet, and stated that no explanation was given for some of them turning into zombies. The explanation was that exposure to the cometery radiation (bleeeeach) messed up your brain chemistry, making you prone to outbursts of anger. This didn’t really matter, because it also caused rapid and fairly impressive dehydration (in the lose ALL your water content and turn into dust manner) (paraphrasing madly here) Somehow this effect is blocked by steel, so people who were in airtight, steel containers were saved. People with partial protection (unsealed containers, sleeping under sheet metal) weren’t affected so badly, and started dehydrating verrrry sloowly. They didn’t actually turn into zombies, though. Just a bunch of soon-to-be-dead psychopaths with flaky skin.
Besides, the REAL point of this movie is to watch Chakotay swear.
Night of the Comet (1984) Starring: Robert Beltran, Catherine Mary Stewart Director: Thom Eberhardt
Woah woah woah. Is this for real or a gag? Don’t get me wrong, I freaking love apocalypse movies of every size and shape. But, comedy apocalypse? Yes please. I’ll take an extra helping if you got it. I’m starting to wonder if 2009 is primed to be the apocalypse movie’s second golden age. In the 80s we had a real bumper crop of PA (thank you very much Ronald Reagan) and apparently shitty economic times have the same result? Hay, if being broke is the price I have to pay to get Seth Rogen in a post-apocalyptic movie. I’ll take it.
Hoooo ah! I’m back in action. This is 9-23-97 (Editor’s Note: this is an old review, you haven’t been sucked into some sort of temporal rift. Don’t worry) and this is my first review in a coon’s age. I actually saw The Quiet Earth about 3 months back and it rocked my world. It was kind of cold outside and I believe I was recovering from a mean hangover. Anyway, it is English or Australian and it features the main male lead in many wacky full frontal nudity scenes. I know all youse fancy pantses is just rushing out there to purchase it now. Editor’s Note: Ahem. I guess it is a New Zealand movie. Sorry all you kiwis out there. So… the cause of apocalypse is some kind of accidental energy feedback explosion something or other. And the only people who are left alive are the people who were currently in a state of dying when it happened. So, if you were popping pills and were out of your body when the end hit… you are perfectly safe and alive now. Makes perfect sense, eh? Like I was saying, there is only 3 people left on earth that you get to see and they are trying to stop the world from going completely in the shitcan. It is 2 guys and a girl, so there is some wacky tension about who digs who and who is rollin in the hay with who. These sort of situations make me feel uncomfortable, but I liked the way they did it. Anyway, real good looting in this one and you get to see the guy go all wacky and crazy and junk. He starts broadcasting over the airwaves and he gets less and less stable as the days go on. Pretty much a perfect world…. I think I would put this one on my top ten list. It even inspired me to make a post-apocalyptic rap song. I will post it on here very soon in RealAudio format. Check out Volumen Records for more of this insanity. It’s my label. But I digress. What was I talking about? Oh yeah… I love tacos too. Especially squirrel.
The Quiet Earth (1985) Starring: Bruno Lawrence, Alison Routledge Director: Geoff Murphy
Note: This original review was written sometime during 1996-1997, when I was a drunken, twenty-something nincompoop. I am no longer that person. Or, that is to say, I am in my thirties now. 😉
Something like 12 years ago, someone told me that I needed to watch and review Glen and Randa. Considering that the name of the movie didn’t have the words “warrior” or “apocalypse” in there, I sorta blew them off. So, here it is, many years later and as I look at the Amazon description of Glen and Randa, I’ve decided that I’ve done myself a disservice. Not only does this look like a really unique take on the genre, I’m seeing something about Rated-X in the notes? Um… what? I didn’t even realize that was a possibility. Are you saying that I can combine porn with post-apocalyptic cinema? Goodbye outside world, I will never see you again.
Anyway, if you watch this before me, please send in a review.
Glen And Randa (1971) Starring: Steve Curry, Shelley Plimpton Director: Jim McBride
From the cover of Future Kill I didn’t know what to expect. Actually, the cover of the copy I got was made of lined paper. But the regular cover looks like a Giger painting. Anyway, I figured it would be aliens and junk. Instead, it was like a cross between Revenge of the Nerds and Road Warrior or something. I thought it was pretty bitchin. Here is my guess on the origins of the film.
It’s the 80’s, DEVO is huge. A couple of geeky kids from Athens want to make a movie. Not only that, but they want to get back at all the fraternity kids who’ve pushed them around. Why not put a bunch of new wavers in the film and have them kick the crap out of a bunch of jocks and preps? Sounds brilliant to me. This movie also had a little gratuitous nudity, which always helps. This movie also had new wave bands up the ass. I mean really good ones. I swear, one of the chicks was the chick from X.
Anyway, rent this movie. Splatter (the villain) is rad, and i think it’s pretty subtle in its ridicule of the Greek system. Of course, Smokey and the Bandit was too cerebral for me.
You know, this movie may or may not be post-apocalyptic… but it is in the future and people dress like new wavers and road warriors. Let’s say I just relax my standards and make it count…
Future-Kill (1985) Starring: Edwin Neal, Marilyn Burns Director: Ronald W. Moore
Note: This original review was written sometime during 1996-1997, when I was a drunken, twenty-something nincompoop. I am no longer that person. Or, that is to say, I am in my thirties now. 😉
