Author: Drunken Goon

Guest Review: Red Dawn by Steve Paul

Here is another classic Steve Paul gem from the old site that I finally got around to migrating over.  Sadly, Steve Paul isn’t with us anymore, but it makes me feel better to read his goofy reviews.  Anyway, enough of my mushiness.  Here’s the review:

Remember when PG-13 movies first came out? I do. I was 12. I remember not knowing how the world really operated but still really wanting to see the first PG-13 movie ever, a little diddy named “Red Dawn.” I was scared that they would reject me at the door for not being old enough, though. That was the first time I learned the benefits of showing a little flesh…um…nevermind. So the movie involves the Russians (remember them?) invading the good ol’ U.S. of A. during home room period at a local high school. With one liberating shot, the fucking teacher has no head – a visual that sends the entire school running for their lives. So now I’m sure you are wondering, “Where the hell is there to run to when the Red Army is all around you in full force and you are no longer able to get the high school education you so desperately need?” I’m glad you brought up that point, because, at the time I first saw the movie, I had no clue either, but thanks to the genetically superior boys on the football team (including Patrick Swayze — remember HIM?!!) I now know that, when threatened by the conquest of foreign invaders, you should always load up on guns and go camping. “Red Dawn” is mainly a coming-of-age story wrapped up in a good old fashion buddy picture, except it’s got lots of camouflage, AK-47’s and rocket launchers. A lot of things have changes since I was 12. I no longer fear conquest by the commies – like Patrick Swayze’s career, they too have faded into the darkness. Every once in awhile, though, I still like to go into the forest, climb on top of the biggest hill I can find and scream at the top of my voice, WOLVERIIIIIIIIIIIINES!!!” I also like to watch “Dirty Dancing.”

New Book Review: Dog Blood by David Moody

Woah ho ho!  Drunken Goon must be moving up in the world.  Either that or someone didn’t really read my blog too closely and maybe decided I was a “real” reviewer.

See, I got sent an Advance Readers’ Edition of Dog Blood by David Moody in the hopes that I’d review it.  For some reason, though, this made me instantly not want to read the book.  Not because I didn’t think it was going to be good, but because it now became “something I needed to do”.  I think that’s just something weird in my brain though.  As soon as I schedule anything I almost instantly don’t want to do it.  Hell, it could be a trip to the naked lady brewery but as soon as I put it on my calendar, I start to dread it.

But, I found myself traveling a lot in May and June so I had lots of time for reading.  I sucked it up and dove into Dog Blood.  Turns out it is a sequel to a book called Hater.  It was easy enough to pick up the story in the middle, though.  I realized a few things as soon as I started reading this book:

  1. Despite the fact that I’ve read buckets of sci-fi in my day (Probably at least 90% of all Hugo award winners for starts) I don’t think I’ve ever read a zombie book before
  2. This book is not your run-of-the-mill zombie book

Realization #2 didn’t happen right away, though.  It seems like the first chapter is set up in a way to make you think this is going to read like a screen play for your standard zombie movie.  Then the book shifts a little bit and you realize that the chapters alternate between the normal human’s perspective and the “zombies” perspective.

Yup, that’s right, the zombies are smart.  In fact, it isn’t really fair to call them zombies.  The book calls them haters and the premise is that “something” happened to randomly change normal people into haters.  Haters are pretty much like you and me, except they can’t resist the urge to kill non-haters.  They can also sense the difference between haters and non-haters (something that normal human’s can’t do).  I guess, imagine smart rage zombies and you are halfway there.

I really want to read the first book, Hater, to get more background on the actual change process and what happened during those first few weeks/months.  Many of the haters suddenly found themselves attacking/killing their own families.  Children killing parents, etc.

Anyway, back to Dog Blood.  It was a lot of fun to read and it definitely kept my interest.  I think I stayed up late two nights and polished her off.  My one bitch is that I didn’t really dig the ending.  It seems like Moody is setting the stage for a series of these books and I don’t know if that’s such a great idea.  It was sort of like Back to the Future 2 when it ends and you know that there has to be a sequel.  This had the same feel.  Almost like the pilot episode of the TV series.  Regardless, I’m still going to go back and read Hater and I’ll probably read whatever the next installment is.  We’ll have to see how far I take it after that.

P.S. I was just peaking at the back cover of Dog Blood and there is some high praise from Guillermo Del Toro for Hater.  So, maybe we can expect a movie soon?

New Review: Book of Eli (yup, it pretty much sucked)

In another fantastic example of self-fulfilling prophecy, Book of Eli lived up to all my expectations.  Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t want to hate it, but I just couldn’t get my hopes too high.  I mean, it might sound a little hypocritical of me to blast Book of Eli and then lavish high praise on Warriors of the Apocalypse or something similar.  The difference here is that Warriors of the Apocalypse didn’t make any promises that it couldn’t keep.  (Hell, it didn’t make any promises).  What I mean is that if the Hughes Brothers make a post-apocalyptic movie featuring Denzel Washington, Gary Oldman, Tom Waits, Malcolm McDowell, Jennifer Beals (Flashdance… grrr!) and Ray Stevenson (from Rome) then it better freaking rule.

Book of Eli didn’t freaking rule.  It didn’t even sorta-rule.  There were definitely good moments.  The fight scenes (while being completely ridiculous) were RAD.  But, the movie didn’t give the impression that it was supposed to be taken as fantasy or comic book.  So, these over-the-top fight scenes just felt weird.

Also, I debated long and hard about what to do about the big “reveal” at the end.  The old version of me (the more drunk, less coherent version) would completely ruin the ending for you.  But, I’m not going to do that.  Just let it be said that within the first 10 minutes of the movie I guessed what the reveal would be and then talked myself out of believing it because it was too ridiculous based on what was happening in the movie.

The other problem I had with Book of Eli was the inclusion of Mila Kunis.  I’m sorry, but the voice of Mila Kunis is forever burned into my brain as belonging to Meg from Family Guy.  (Note to budding actors: if you want to do animated shows and continue to act in non-animated format, you should invent a wacky cartoon voice for yourself).

Anyway, maybe I’m getting grouchier as I get older, but there was effectively nothing new about Book of Eli and it didn’t really do any of the old tricks any better than they’ve already been done before.

Lucio Fulci’s Zombie vs. Shark used to sell Windows 7?!

WTF.  Seriously.  W T F.  If you had told me 20 years ago that my favorite scene from Lucio Fulci’s Zombie (or Zombi 2, if you are in Europe) was going to be used to try and get me to buy a Microsoft Operating System, I might have choked to death on my own laughter.  Turns out I was the idiot, though.  What’s next?  Will we be seeing clips from Dead Alive used to make commercials for custard?

I mean, I guess I should be psyched, right?  But, it never seems to work that way.  It’s like when I first heard that Shins song used in a McDonalds commercial or the Of Montreal song bastardized to make an Outback Steakhouse commercial.  Sure, you are psyched to hear the song and even psyched for the band because they can probably use the bread.  But, now you are unconsciously associating what was one of your favorite things with some bullshit you don’t need and don’t want probably.  Besides, Lucio Fulci is dead.  So, why commercialize his memory?  Did his kids run out of blow or something?  Oof… sorry.  I’m grouchy today, I guess.

Zombie Blood Energy Potion

Well, it was only a matter of time, right? I mean, let’s face it, RAGE Zombies do seem like they are pretty fit. You know, bustling with energy and vip and vim and vigor. Meanwhile, you are slouched down in your office chair, staring at a screen with barely the energy to stand up and walk over to the vending machine for some swiss cake rolls.

Hmm.. if only there were some way to get all the unbridled energy of the RAGE zombie without all the purification and maggots and whatnot.  Hay, don’t worry friend, we’ve got the solution for you.  Zombie Blood Energy Potion!

Nope, this isn’t a gag.  It’s a freaking nuclear green drink that comes in it’s own IV Bag.  So, I guess it’s like a Capri Sun of Evil, chock full of caffeine and vitamins.  Here, take a peak:

I know what you’re thinking, though. What if I get addicted? How can I stockpile enough of this stuff for the looming apocalypse? No problem. You can actually buy a freaking box of 12 with the display case and everything. Perfect for those zombie-themed all-night rave parties. Or, study groups, if you are a nerd.

Now, if only they made an alcoholic version of this stuff.  I need something to fill the void that Sparks has left in my life.  Sounds like it’s time to brew up some boozed-up bathtub version and get rich!

Old Review: Night of the Zombies

You know, I never claimed to be the brightest guy in the world. In fact, I may just be right above Jim Varney. Anyway, I just saw this 4 days ago and I can’t remember if this is the name of the movie or not. I’ll go back and check, but I figured I’d point out my idiocy to you all.

Anyway, on to the movie. This is your basic, Italian zombie movie. Only, they didn’t have much money for special effects, and they didn’t have much money for film, and they really didn’t have much money for actors either. I say this for several reasons. 1) There is more gratuitous usage of stock footage than even an Ed Wood movie. I think they managed to get ahold of a national geographic special on tribes and junk. Because they aren’t picky, there are pygmies, aborigines, massai warriors… you name it. But they are all supposed to be one group. 2) The zombies are just people with black-face on. Unless they are black, in which case they have blue-face one. I swear I am not making this up. 3) In a scene with a device that is measuring something or other, the readings go “off the scale”. This is accomplished by the actor carrying the device. He merely turns the little knob by the needle and makes it go “off the scale”. This was actually pretty dang funny. The plot is simple, zombies, tribal anarchy, eco-terrorists, mother earth revolting, the military and the press. Doesn’t that all sound like it should fit together? Heh heh… blew my mind I tell you. There was nudity in this movie though… just a touch. For some reason, the heroine in the movie decides she needs to strip naked and paint her body, to better relate to the natives… They still tried to eat her. You may be wondering what this all has to do with the Apocalypse? Well, that’s fair enough I guess. You see, the earth is mad, so it makes a nuclear power facility (or some such junk) leak poisonous gas. This gas makes everyone turn into zombies and eat the living. Pretty soon, almost everyone is dead. OK.. it’s weak, but I’m still counting it.
Note: This original review was written sometime during 1996-1997, when I was a drunken, twenty-something nincompoop.  I am no longer that person.  Or, that is to say, I am in my thirties now. ;)

P.S. No, I didn’t link the wrong movie. This movie is apparently also known as Virus, Zombie Creeping Flesh and Hell of the Living Dead.

Short Video: “Nuclear Coleslaw” (It’s got hookers!)

So, I got an e-mail over the weekend that I almost just deleted because it was so short that it looked like spam. I’ll show you what I mean:

Thought your readers might like this clip:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dw1Vh9Yzryo

Its part of a series we’re developing.

Enjoy.

Tim

P.S.  Like your site.

Thank heaven’s that I didn’t delete it, and, instead went to watch the 6+ minute short.  It’s pretty damn RAD!

As a guy who has watched way too many post-apocalyptic movies, I can say, without exaggeration, that this short film is better than at least 50% of the full-length PA movies I have ever seen.  Of course, the real trick will be to keep this momentum going in the rest of the installments.  But, I think these guys will be able to pull it off.

I went scrounging around their Youtube page trying to gleam any more information about this project and the only thing I found was this:

A post-apocalyptic dark comedy about a man trying to get some hookers. Part of a series entitled “Nuclear Coleslaw.”

Well, at least this makes them mysterious!  Anyway, check out the video:

New Review: Pandorum

Pandorum was a nice surprise. I’m always in a good mood when I “accidentally” watch a post-apocalyptic movie. See, I just set out to watch what I thought was going to be a horror movie, or at least a “run from the monster” movie. So, I was delighted when I found out it was post-apocalyptic. Unlike the old me, I’m trying not to drop spoilers these days, so I’ll be slightly general in this review. But, I’m much more sober than I used to be, so I might be accidentally more helpful as well.

Anyway, Pandorum features Dennis Quaid and Ben Foster as two crewmates who awaken from cryogenic slumber into a real shitshow. The mission of their ship (The Elysium) is to act as a seedship to colonize an earth-like planet. The earth, itself, is pretty much already ruined when they launch the Elysium, so it’s the last hope for humanity. Anyway, they can’t remember anything, everything is pretty much broken and… they aren’t alone.

While I was watching this movie, I was trying to think what it reminded me. Sure, the comparison to Alien and Event Horizon are sort of obvious, but I was thinking more of sci-fi stories where an entire population is on some sort of world-ship or seed-ship and something goes wrong along the way. At first I was reminded of Phillip K. Dick’s Maze of Death.  But, I knew there was something I’d read that was even more closely related.  So, I waded through my bookshelves this morning and turned up Starship by Brian W. Aldiss.

Now, it’s been some years since I’ve read Starship, but I remember it being very similar to Pandorum.  In Starship, entire sections of the ship have grown over into lush jungle and the humans aboard have de-evolved into superstitious primates.  Anyway, there were a lot of similarities.

So, back to Pandorum.  Did I like it?  Sure.  Why?  Well, there aren’t that many post-apocalyptic movies that take place entirely aboard a spacecraft, so that was nice.  Also, I went into it expecting very little.  It’s like when I buy a pulp sci-fi book at the used book store based entirely on the cover.  I’m not expecting Foundation or Left Hand of Darkness, I just want it to keep me interested.  And Pandorum this and more.  I would have liked slightly less martial arts (if I can get picky) but there were plenty of other interesting aspects of the movie that allowed me to overlook some of the combat scenes.  (For example, one of the kill scenes is freaking brutal!)

Note: Anyway, as a result of watching, I’m not slightly obsessed about other sci-fi movies and books that share a similar concept.  So, if any of you guys can think of other examples, please let me know.  I’m remembering an  Ursula K. Lequin short short where it takes generations for the ship to get to the planet, but, by the time it arrives, no one wants to be explorers anymore.  They are all scared of the anything outside of the ship, but I can’t remember the name of that.

$4 Pocket Guide to the Apocalypse

Until 10 minutes ago, I knew nothing of this book. Now, all I know is that I can’t spend my $4 fast enough. From the description it looks to be a sort of tongue-in-cheek version of Left Behind or something. I like the sound of that.

After watching Victorian Farm for the past few nights (note: I’m addicted), I’d been searching Amazon for practical homesteading, survival and farming books. It was pretty much by accident that I stumbled onto the Pocket Guide to the Apocalypse. Sure, I was looking for practical guides to survival and whatnot, but, all work and no play makes Homer something something… so it seems like I’d be remiss if I didn’t get something fun to read and joke around with when the end days come and I’m up to my neck in goats and chickens and manual labor.

Besides, what the hell else can you buy with $4? Go see 1/3 of a movie at the theater.  Pshaw!

Guest Review: Judge Dredd by Boobookittyfrag

I AM DE LAW!!

Oh my god, they made a movie version of one of my favourite comics(if you’re Scottish – you read 2000AD). WHY GOD WHY? I was at a comic convention a few years ago, where the most popular event was the Judge Dredd screening, with commentary by Alan Grant(who has written it for years). We watched the opening montage of comics, and as soon as that had passed, Alan stopped the movie saying ‘that’s the best part in the movie’ – yeah, he was right 🙂 We watched on, with Stallone dominating the majority of the screen, a friend sitting next to me recounted the tale of Stallone winning best actor at the french equivalent of the Oscars – he got up on the podium and just said ‘uuuuh, merci’ – he knew it was a stinker, we knew it was a stinker, and the french were obviously taking the mickey : ) I knew all was lost when Stallone took his helmet off( a helmet which Judge Dredd creator Carlos Esquerra couldn’t put on because it was too small!!!!) – old stoneface never took his helmet off in the comics, but the studio obviously needed their Stallone dollar – why i oughtta!! The only good things in the movie were Mean Machine – who was true to form, the cameo by ian dury(that’s a lawgiver!! take your bleedin arm off!), and the lil in-jokes for 2000ad readers – like the chopper smiley on the statue of liberty(blink and you’ll miss it!) Other than that, it’s a stinky little Stallone vehicle that should be avoided at all cost!!

Editor’s Note: You’ll notice I’m not linking to this movie at all. Yup, that’s on purpose. I will however show off some rad comics and graphic novels!