Zombie Tools! Get yer Zombie Tools!

Sometimes something just has to slap you right in the face before you really think about it.

Case in point: I live in Missoula, Montana. Guess who else lives in Missoula, MT? That's right, the Zombie Tools guys. Was I just not aware of them before? Nope. I think I was first made aware of them like 3-4 years ago? What did it take for me to realize that I needed to make a post about them? Umm... my wife was a Doula at a birth for one of the Zombie Tools guys and his wife. I know that sounds like a crazy connection, but there it is. That's what it took for me to realize that I needed to tell everyone about Zombie Tools. So, if you also have some sort of post-apocalyptic business and you want me to tell people, apparently you just need to have my wife attend the birth of your child. Heh.

Anyway, on to Zombie Tools! Who are they, you might ask? To quote them from their FAQ page.

We are swordsmen and metalsmiths who create blades, and soon, other gear, that will increase your odds of surviving a zombie apocalypse.

Rad, right? And, you can bet your ass they are freaking serious. Check out some of these Zombie-killing swords and knives.

ZombieTools.net ZT Spike
ZombieTools.net ZT Spike
ZombieTools.net Rough and Ready Bone Machete
ZombieTools.net Rough and Ready Bone Machete

Yeah, these aren't Fisher Price toys. These swords, knives and deadly implements will totally kill a bitch. And, by bitch, they mean Zombie. So, if you need something silent, that doesn't require ammo, to keep you alive during the pending Zombiepocalypse, then you should probably check out ZombieTools.net.

Don't worry, even if you don't need sharpened zombie-killing blades right now, you probably need some rad T-shirts, right? How bout this one?

ZombieTools.net Fuck the Revolution...
ZombieTools.net Fuck the Revolution...

While you are over there, make sure and check out their image gallery. It's practically a real life comic book. And, if you do buy something, make sure and tell them that the Drunken Goon from Post Apocalyptic Movie Mania sent ya.

real roids

real tramadol

Old Review: Zombie

I know Zombie can mean many different movies, but the one I'm talking about was directed by the Italian guy, Fulci. He's a real master. I heard it was also released as Zombie 2 and it was known as a sequel to Dawn of the Dead in Italy. I dunno if any of that is true. Anyway, I saw this a while back when I was watching Zombie movies like I eat goldfish crackers. I was just reminded by a friend yesterday that it was post-apocalyptic... So here goes.
Very Dawn of the Dead-ish. Zombies eating humans. Brain shots the only way to kill them. It basically has our heroes (a group of whiners) stuck on an island with a bunch of dying natives and more zombies. I never will understand the Zombie/Jungle combination... but i've seen it in lots of movies. The best part of this movie has a Zombie underwater, fighting a shark. Can you believe that. It's a real shark too I think. The shark would try and bite the zombie and the zombie would return in kind. Fantastic!
I can't remember who the special effects guy was on this movie, but he made it. There's a real famous scene that all the kids in the horror circles talk about. Mia Farrow's sister is looking for her husband, and happens upon a zombie. She runs from him and closes the door on him. He smashes his hand through the door and there is a big splinter of wood. Then the zombie grabs her head and slowly pulls it toward the splinter. You watch the splinter actually puncture the eye. I don't know how they did it. It was gross.
Anyway, what does this all have to do with the apocalypse? Well, of course noone can stop the zombies, so they make it on a boat and get to America. The last scene has them all shambling over the Brooklyn Bridge. The End.

Zombie (1980)
Zombie (1980)

Editor's Note: Hmm.. I was corrected on this one. Apparently the eyegouge chick wasn't Tisa Farrow, it was Olga Karlatos. I know, I know, you don't give a rat's ass. Well, believe me, there are some people out there who get pissed.

Additional Editor's Note: This original review was written sometime during 1996-1997, when I was a drunken, twenty-something nincompoop.  I am no longer that person.  Or, that is to say, I am in my thirties now. 😉