Review: The Last Days of Planet Earth

Holy crap, The Last Days of Planet Earth was kooky. It’s Japanese, first of all, and I’m guessing that it was made-for-t.v. Anyway, if I had to say what the cause of the apocalpyse is in this movie, I’d have to say Nostradamus. Yeah… that’s right… Nostradamus.  Or, if you want me to get specific, then it’d be apocalypse by Giant Slugs, Radioactive Bats, Pollution, Radiation, Nuclear War, Riots… sheesh. See, they just show what the world would be like if all of his predictions come true… Yep, it’s a whopper. The movie is a little slow at times, but just wait a few mintues and you’ll be greeted with happy surprises like mutant hopping children, and leeches the size of your arm.
The really big plus to The Last Days of Planet Earth is the theme music. I liked it so much that i’m making a new band that will only do sci-fi movie themes… or originals that sounds just like them. “Theme from Last Days of Planet Earth” will be our first song. It’s got this wacked-out theremin going, or some other noise that sounds like that spooky woo-woo junk you hear in scary movies. Fantastic.
Little things about this movie boggle me. I can’t imagine how it got made and why they did some things they way the did. I mean, there are huge explosions (albeit in miniature.. but still) and then there are big car crashes and junk… so obviously they weren’t entirely broke when they made it. But, then when the radioactive bats swoop down and attack, they have visible strings all over the place. Maybe this is a joke? But I really doubt it. Anyway, no matter what you are expecting, this movie will blow you away… just maybe not in the way that you are expecting.

Last Days of Planet Earth (1979)
Last Days of Planet Earth (1979)

Night of the Comet (the review that got me into trouble)

NOTE: Yeah.   I know.  A note before the review, that’s weird, right?  Well, I just want to reiterate that this is my original review of  Night of the Comet from 1997-ish.  Clearly I was drunk when I wrote it.  Clearly I was wrong because I’ve been getting shit for this for nearly 13 years.  So, my plan is to post this and then re-watch this movie and give it a chance this time.  Yeah, that’s right.  I’m not such an asshole that I can’t admit when I might have made a mistake.  Ok.  Enough hedging, here’s the original review:

Ladies and Gentlemen. Announcing a cage-grudge-death match. In this corner, we have Dawn of the Dead. In opposite corner, Day of the Triffids. And in our third corner, Valley Girl.
This is what Night of the Comet is. If you are wondering who wins in such an unusual match, the answer is no one. I watched this movie in the same weekend as Warriors of the Apocalypse and it took me three attempts to get all of the way through it. Whereas I just breezed right on through “Warriors“. I think that much speaks volumes.
Now, don’t get me wrong. A lot of the movies I’ve reviewed for these pages have looked and been much, much worse. I think this one bothered me because it was almost like a real movie. I mean, the only thing you can really bitch about is the plot. There aren’t minor filming, acting, effects flaws to distract you. Therefore you can focus your full hatred on the plot. Does that make sense?
Anyway, this is your basic Up-All-Night movie, only without the nudity and quirkiness that makes them so charming. Comets fly over the planet and instead of turning everyone blind (a la Day of the Triffids) they turn everyone into dust. Somehow, though, some people are turned into zombies instead. I have to admit that I liked this, even though there was absolutely no explanation given for it. I mean, there is no movie that is so bad that zombies won’t make it worse… umm.. yeah.
O.K. To top it all off, there are some wacky plot twists in this movie that they actually did pretty good. I won’t ruin it for you. Course, if you have a half a brain you’ll prolly figure it out way before I did. Well.. actually I never figured it out until they revealed it. See, I am dumb. Anyway, I forgot to talk about the “Valley Girls” in this movie. Maybe that is because they are about as Valley-ish as a drunken monkey. Huh?
Anyway, you can prolly afford to skip this one. That is, unless you want to hear cool 80’s-ish music and a wicked cover of “Girls just wanna have fun” that sounds just like Cyndi Lauper, only different.

Okey doke. I’ve gotten a lot of crap about my review of this movie. My advice, avoid criticizing 80’s nostalgia movies. Anyway, here’s a guest editor comment from Gene Splicer:

Guest Editor’s Note: You reviewed Night of the Comet, and stated that no explanation was given for some of them turning into zombies. The explanation was that exposure to the cometery radiation (bleeeeach) messed up your brain chemistry, making you prone to outbursts of anger. This didn’t really matter, because it also caused rapid and fairly impressive dehydration (in the lose ALL your water content and turn into dust manner) (paraphrasing madly here) Somehow this effect is blocked by steel, so people who were in airtight, steel containers were saved. People with partial protection (unsealed containers, sleeping under sheet metal) weren’t affected so badly, and started dehydrating verrrry sloowly. They didn’t actually turn into zombies, though. Just a bunch of soon-to-be-dead psychopaths with flaky skin.

Besides, the REAL point of this movie is to watch Chakotay swear.

Night of the Comet (1984) Starring: Robert Beltran, Catherine Mary Stewart Director: Thom Eberhardt
Night of the Comet (1984) Starring: Robert Beltran, Catherine Mary Stewart Director: Thom Eberhardt