New Review: Infestation

Before we get started, let me tell you what motivated me to work on this review today.  I saw a new e-mail in my inbox, it was from “bob” and the subject was “stuff”.  Instantly, I figured it was my good friend Bob Marshall (of Biga Pizza fame, drummer for Volumen).  I started the e-mail and then my brain started reeling with me wondering how I’d wronged Bob.  He sounded pissed.  Here’s the e-mail:

the stuff you wrote about hitting a wall was totally lame. Getting old sounds fucking typical at your house. break the mold homeboy. your page is to good for that type of talk.

Instantly I’m rejuvenated!  I’m ready to watch just about any steaming pile of horseshit and write a review.  Hell, I might go back and watch Diary of the Dead now.  Hell, I might even re-watch The Stand and Waterworld and that’s saying alot.

This site gets roughly 300 unique visits a day, but sometimes it’s easy to forget that.  I mean, I guess if I don’t get angry or crazy e-mails then I feel like you guys aren’t out there.  Turns out, you are.  Heh.  And you are as crazy and pissed as ever.

So, on to Infestation, or as it’s known in Japan “Big Bugs Panic”.  (Aside: They’ve got movie naming down to a real art form over there in Japan.  Big Bugs Panic tells me everything I need to know and it sounds fun as hell, right?)  Infestation is kind of a cross between Waiting… and Them! (Damn, I need to review Them!).

Now, before you get your panties in a twist, it’s not totally accurate to say that Infestation is post-apocalyptic.  But, you can’t prove to me that what happens in the movie didn’t happen everywhere on Earth, so I think I can get away with it.  Also, the ending provides a silly clue that maybe there’s more to this.  Regardless, I knew I was going to try and sneak it in once the movie got rolling mainly because I like to fill out the “Apocalypse by Miscellaneous” category.  Everything is freaking Zombies these days!  I get it, though, in the 80s it was all Nukes,  90s had more Plague.  But, I’m ready for giant bugs and space slime again.

So, the star of Infestation is Chris Marquette and it’s looking like guy has put on some weight since Fanboys (which, by the way, is pretty freaking rad as well).  Basically, think of Chris’s character as a sarcastic slacker-type who is thrown into a Giant Bug Apocalypse and you are ready to roll.

Now, look, I’m not saying this movie is Delicatessan or anything, but it definitely has more than enough moments to keep you entertained.  Also, the giant rubber bugs are pretty freaking rad.  There’s some CG as well, but it’s all cheesy enough to be charming some how.

Oh crap, I almost forgot!  It’s got Ray Wise!  You know…. Ray Wise!  Huh?  C’mon.  Leland Palmer from Twin Peaks?!  Yah!  I dunno why, but I freaking love Ray Wise.

So, summation time.  Giant Bug Apocalypse, Hip Ironic Smartass, Ray Wise!  If that isn’t enough for you, then check out this picture….. Gah!  Nevermind!  I was trying to find a cool picture of the half bug, half spider mutant creatures.  Don’t ever do a Google Images search for “Infestation”.  Freaking gross!  I’m going to go wash my eyes now… with beer.

I’m back baby.  I’m back!  Luv, Shane

Un-review: Diary of the Dead

So, I guess it’s officially happened.  When I started this page (back in 1996) I would watch any post-apocalyptic movie, at any time, for any reason.  That’s an easy mission to complete when your life otherwise consists of PBR, insanely loud rock music and ditching class.  Apparently, I’ve hit the freaking wall.  And that wall is called… OLDNESS.

I say that because anymore it might be several weeks before I watch ANY movie, let alone something post-apocalyptic.  A foxy wife, two kids, two businesses, a rock band, etc, etc, really takes it’s toll on a guy.  I wouldn’t trade it for the world, but it does cut into my cinema time.  Well anyway, it turned out that tonight had potential to be a movie night.  The kids were already asleep and it was only 8pm.  Hell’s yeah, right?!

So, I started a few movies and stopped them right away for various reasons.

  1. This movie has subtitles, my wife is working on her computer and watching movies (somehow) so subtitles aren’t going to work… moving on
  2. Another movie looked to be some sort of kung-fu action, also seemed like a hard sell to said foxy wife.
  3. More subtitles?!  Seriously, do I have any non-foreign movies?

Then I stumbled on Diary of the Dead.  Instantly I was stoked because it’s very rarely that we can watch a post-apocalyptic movie that I haven’t seen already that is also a major production (that is to say, filmed after 1990 somewhere besides Italy).  I started the movie and was encouraged by the opening scene.  Then there was this 20-something person doing a voiceover about uploading video and true stories and other nonsense.

That’s when I realized that, in some sort of evil Reese’s Peanut Butter cup moment, someone got shitty reality TV in my horror movie.  Yup, the ole movie inside the movie gag.  Ugh.  I let it roll until they got the point where they were literally filming a horror movie inside of the movie inside of the horror movie I was supposed to be watching (about 6 minutes in, I think?) and then I turned it off.

That’s right.  I turned it off.

Why?  Frankly, my freaking life is too damn busy to watch shitty movies.  I have hit the wall.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m still all over B-movies.  In fact, I just watched Infestation (I’ll write something about it soon) and I enjoyed it.  So, it doesn’t take top notch production or story to keep me going.  But, if you have fucking millions of dollars and your name is already famous, then I don’t have time to watch your movie if it sucks.

Hmm… maybe I’m just grumpy today?  I invite any of you to write your own review of Diary of the Dead, if you want.  I’m not saying you are an idiot if you liked it.  I’m just saying that it was 90 minutes that I didn’t have time for.