Drunken Goon | Post Apocalyptic Movie Mania

Samantha and Regina Belmont, two high school girls with Uzis. Its the end
of the world and all they want to do is go shopping and have a little fun.
However, there’s trouble on the way in the form of mutants, and crazy
scientists. Ah, Night of the Comet. I get cravings to watch this movie. This
movie is truly something I get nostalgic over.The thing that it has going
for it the most is this sense of “Hey the world is over, i can do whatever
the fuck I want and nobody is there to stop me!”. I watched this back when I
was a kid and the thing I remembered the most was Kelli Maroni. This girl
was an 80s B movie queen. She was on this movie, and another 80s popcorn up
all night great Chopping Mall! Now, some may not like it, but this was my
first post apocalyptic movie. I didn’t watch greats like the Mad Max series
till recently(damn I was missing out). Small part great Michael Bowen makes
an appearance, but this dude is Buck as in “Im Buck and I’m here to fuck”
the bride from Kill Bill. Then there is Catherine Mary Stewart, I can’t
think of anything else she’s been on but she sure does look an awful lot
like Linda Hamilton. Then there is Robert Beltran….Chakotay!!!! Oh and
that little asian girl played Gi on Captain Planet.

The intro is like one of those old 50s sci-fi movies, it has a narrator and
some sort of flawed explanation on what is about to happen. This sort of
thing was fading away in the 80s. it was cheesy, but was enough to set up
some events. The intro is a showcase of 80s culture, Regina Belmont is
playing an arcade game trying to have an uncontested score board when she
notices DMK has taken a spot. This sort of has a Back to the Future vibe. On
the other side of things her sister Sam is dealing with her cheating bitch
mother in law while their dad fights in some contra down in Honduras. Most
everybody goes out like lemmings, stare at the commet and get obliterated
like deers in headlights. The only thing left of cheating Doris is red dust!
The poor dog gets it too, and Reggie’s boyfriend quickly gets chomped down by
a mutant zombie. There are some great visuals of the empty city, with its
red dust. Pretty good stuff.

The mall scene was great, looting to great music, and then a mutant attack.
I thought the scientists were great, is it me but is the Dharma initiative
from LOST based on these guys. They wear like the same outfits and the logo
is nearly the same. They are fucking creepy, cold and calculated. That dream
Samantha had in the radio station scared the shit out of me as a kid. You
ever notice in good zombie flicks there is always a kid zombie that pops out
and gets killed. Dawn of the Dead 78′ had it, Night of the Comet had it, and
so did 28 Days Later. The movie wraps up nicely when we find out who DMK is.
“Great Car!” “Thanks! I have 23 of them”…”The burden of Civilization is on
us, okay?” “Oh, yeah. Bitching, isn’t it?” I’m pretty surprised this movie
got slammed by other reviewers. I would pretty much put it in the same
category in quality as Def Con 4, another great B post apocalyptic movie.
It’s the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.

Night of the Comet (1984) Starring: Robert Beltran, Catherine Mary Stewart Director: Thom Eberhardt

Note: The “other reviewers” in this guest review refers to yours truly. In my defense, I must have been drunker than usual when I originally reviewed Night of the Comet. I’ll re-post my original review soon and then I promise to re-watch this gem and review it properly…. slightly sober.

I’m sure this isn’t going to surprise you, but I loved Exterminators of the Year 3000. Basically, it is Road Warrior in Italian, for about 1/3 the budget. But noone is saying that isn’t a good thing. I’m so dumb that I could watch Road Warrior ripoffs till I die, and still think I was gettin the goods.

What made this movie different from Road Warrior was some of the following. 1) Water, not gasoline, is the precious fluid in this movie. 2) The car chase scenes are as good, or better, than the ones in Road Warrior… they really worked on these. 3) There are some good subplots, an evil temple of mutated water hoarders being one of the best.

What sucks is that it is dubbed… although this kind of adds a little atmosphere here and there. You can almost think you are watching a Godzilla movie. Also, the blood is cheesy as all get out. Now that I think about it, I think they were taking a stab at Mad Max with this movie too. In the beginning, two rogue cops in a bitchin cop car go out to stop the freaks and bandits. They are killed in about 3 minutes.

Now that we are on the subject, this movie steals from everyone. I’m starting to think that I don’t really pay attention when I watch movies. My brain goes into T.V. mode. I can’t even hear you if you are talking to me, unless you say “Beer” or “Tacos”.

Exterminators in the Year 3000 (1985) Starring: Robert Iannucci, Alicia Moro Director: Giuliano Carnimeo

Note: This original review was written sometime during 1996-1997, when I was a drunken, twenty-something nincompoop. I am no longer that person. Or, that is to say, I am in my thirties now. 😉

Day of the Triffids should be a yardstick for every movie ever made. Especially post-apocalyptic movies. I mean, if they could make such a great looking movie with 1960’s tech and with 1960’s money, then anything is possible. This movie kicks the crap outta movies that just came out last week. But, maybe I should explain?

The earth is showered with meteorites and of course almost everyone has to look at them in all their purtiness. Well, not only are these meteorites harboring evil carnivorous plants, but they make you go blind. Only the people who don’t look at them are spared. I think the Stand ripped this concept off a little. You get a rag-tag bunch left over, drunks, sailors, a little girl… etc.

Well, then these Triffids (carnivorous plants) start moving around, multiplying and kicking serious butt. They are poisonous and they turn you green when before they eat you. It seems like there isn’t going to be any hope, cause they are organized like the Borg or ants. At this point the characters in the movie should be thankful that War of the Worlds was ever realeased. Because it turns out that the alien’s weakness is just everyday sea water.

This movie has a lot of the standard conventions that you see in post-apoc movies these days. Societies’ fabric is torn to shreds and there are always roving bands of wrongdooers. In this movie, it is drunken convicts. In Dawn of the Dead it was bikers. Seeing a pattern, I took this to heart, so when the end hits, I’m hanging out at seedy bars to meet the future.

The Day of the Triffids (1963) Starring: Nicole Maurey, Howard Keel Director: Freddie Francis, Steve Sekely

Based on the cover, Warriors of the Wasteland looks like a forgotten sequel to Road Warrior, so I’m psyched about this one! Although, it’s been so long since I watched (possibly) awful movies on purpose, I’m trying to think about how I’m going to sell this to my wife. See, honey, here’s the thing, umm… bows and arrows and explosions are awesome for the following reasons…..

Wish me luck.

Warriors of the Wasteland (1982) Starring: Andrea Coppola, George Eastman

I been saving this one till the end. Dawn of the Dead has everything! Not only is it post-apocalypse (and not even by Nuclear War), it is also one of the goriest movies ever. O.K., O.K. Maybe you never seen it… I’ll fill you in.

It’s part two of Night of the Living Dead. Zombies have taken over the world. Some hapless adventurers flee in a helicopter and manage to take over a mall. Bikers come in and try to fight them. Most of them die. They escape in the end. The End.

But man, it’s so much more than that. They manage to secure the mall and rid it of zombies. Then it is like a scavengers dream come true. They make whatever food they want. They loot the gun and knife store for all of its wares. I mean, they have everything they could ever want. Of course they get bored of it all, which isn’t surprising, but I think I could’ve handled it. Just let some zombies in every now and then and hunt for them. Sheesh. Maybe take up a hobby, like naked turtle racing.

Dawn of the Dead (Ultimate Edition) (1979) Starring: David Emge, Ken Foree Director: George A. Romero

Note: This original review was written sometime during 1996-1997, when I was a drunken, twenty-something nincompoop. I am no longer that person. Or, that is to say, I am in my thirties now. 😉

Terry Gilliam is a genius. Plain and simple. I remember as a kid that Time Bandits always freaked me out everytime it was on HBO, but I couldn’t turn it off. It was so creepy and dirty looking. Then came Brazil (or at least, that’s the order I saw them in) and my fear was replaced with confusion. I still don’t completely understand Brazil, but I’m sure that doesn’t surprise you, I hardly understand the Dukes of Hazzard. Anyway, I had very, very high hopes for this here monkey movie… and I wasn’t disappointed.

This is neat because we can see the world from all sides of the apocalypse; before, during and after. The future looked great. Reminded me a lot of City of Lost Children, as far as the neat devices and low-tech gadgets went. (I think the trick to make those look neat, is to make them brassy). Anyway, apocalypse by plague, which is always a nice change. And I really liked the actors… yes, yes, I know that Brad Pitt was in it, but I thought he did pretty good. We can argue about it later.

Like I was saying, 12 Monkeys makes you feel dizzy and almost nauseous, during and afterwards. I took that as a sign that it was actually affecting me, rather than my usual movie-watching state. (i.e. Beer, Popcorn, Bathroom, Beer) I mean, I was really interested in what was happening. So, I recommend this one through the roof. If you want a really disturbed, but fun, evening, then get this one and City of Lost Children in one night. I guarantee you will feel weird afterwards. Just remember to pay very close attention. There is much you will miss otherwise.

Doh! I almost forgot. I wanted to ask peoples opinion on the dream sequence. You know, how the guy with the briefcase who gets shot is always different? My theory is that they were actually changing time with their actions, even though they didn’t think this was possible. Or, maybe Bruce Willis just had a lousy memory? Let me know what you think.

12 Monkeys (1995) Starring: Brad Pitt, Bruce Willis

Note: This original review was written sometime during 1996-1997, when I was a drunken, twenty-something nincompoop. I am no longer that person. Or, that is to say, I am in my thirties now. 😉

I saw City Limits in its MST3K version. And thank god for that. I would have had to question my desire to continue in this project if I had seen this turkey in its regular form. You know what is wacky though? It has James Earl Jones in it… What the hey? Also, its got Kim Katrell , grrrrrrr. Of course Croooow was going wacky all over her. He’s in love you know.

Anyway, on to the movie. It was death by plague which was nice to see. Considering the lack of ideas in this film, you would have guessed they would have copped out with Nuclear War. But, that’s about as far as the originality went. Oh yeah… plague… O.K. Anyway, only kids are left, for the most part, and they form roving motorcycle gangs which divide the city and rule according to issues of the comic book “Insect Man”.

I know what you are going to say, “So what’s the bad part?” Don’t make me bludgeon you with sausage… Because I will do it.

I wish I could remember more of Joel and the Robots dialogue, cause they worked this movie up and down. I do remember two things; 1) They went off on this tangent about creating their own super heroes which ruled, and 2) They make fun of the standard Post-Apoc convention of theme costumes. With 1) They had some gems, like “Really Deep Man! — he’s realllly deeep man”. And “Man Man! — All the powers of a normal man, but he’s a man.” That killed me. For 2) Joel made some crack like, “We gotta get more theme costumes, these guys are kicking our butts.” This was because the bad guy bike gang were equipped with Napoleon costumes and junk like that. The good guys just looked like Soundgarden or something.

Anyway, unless your friend has a copy of this on video from Joel and the bots, don’t bother. It will make you wanna poke your eyes out with cocktail franks.

City Limits (1985) Starring: Jennifer Balgobin, Kim Cattrall

Note: This original review was written sometime during 1996-1997, when I was a drunken, twenty-something nincompoop. I am no longer that person. Or, that is to say, I am in my thirties now. 😉

Man, I thought Knights was really gonna suck. But, since it had cyborgs on the cover and looked post-apocalyptic, I decided it was my duty to watch it. What a surprise it turned out to be.

It stars an aged Kris Kristopherson… no wait… come back. It’s good, I swear. Apparently the Earth has been decimated by some cyborg mishap (I think one of them left the stove on). Anyway, Kris is a cyborg and also a cyborg hunter. You can imagine the wacky situations he gets into. He also has a cute sidekick who tries to bring out his human side, and so on and so forth. It reminded me a lot of Beastmaster…. only, not that good really.

The fighting in this movie is pretty rad. Although, be forewarned that it is a leaper movie. You know, everyone flying through the air. Bad guys, getting punched back 50 ft. Etc. Still, I really enjoyed it. The end, however, really, really sucks. I think they ran out of money… because they just tell you what would have happened in the end if you had been able to see it. But all in all, it’s better than Ghost.

Knights - Starring: Kathy Long, Kris Kristofferson Director: Albert Pyun

Note: This original review was written sometime during 1996-1997, when I was a drunken, twenty-something nincompoop. I am no longer that person. Or, that is to say, I am in my thirties now. 😉

Author: Drunken Goon

Night of the Comet (Guest Review by Patrick Merritt)

Exterminators of the Year 3000

Day of the Triffids

Warriors of the Wasteland

Dawn of the Dead (1979)

12 Monkeys

City Limits

Knights